This title felt a little uncomfortable when I typed it. It felt uncomfortable because I know that a lot of people will think of it as vanity, but this is where the problem lies – due to Society’s pressures we have been programmed to think that we aren’t enough and that we need to be perfect to be loveable. The truth is that we are perfectly imperfect and if we can’t love ourselves as we truly are then we aren’t capable of loving anybody else in a healthy way.
I was going to call it “Self Love” instead, but it sounded too personal developmenty (I know that’s not a word but who cares, it makes sense!), which I have mixed feelings about.
So, I decided to write about MY experience and to hopefully inspire at least one person to follow my lead. We can rant all we like about what people “should” and “need to” do but that just creates negative energy and judgemental behaviour, which isn’t helpful to anybody. The only way anything is changing for the better in this world is by us being the example.
“Be the change you wish to see in the world” – Gandhi
I would love to see more love in the world so I became Love. It took a few years and I haven’t stopped growing yet, as we never do, so my ripples will just keep getting bigger and I am loving being an example of Gandhi’s brilliant advice.
I didn’t start loving myself properly until I was 40 years old. Until I decided that I was in the wrong story. Until I decided I needed to get divorced. I had 3 young children. I knew deep down that I wasn’t being a very good example of how to live. I had to show them a different way. However controversial and unconventional it was going to become, I had to do it.
For the first 40 years of my life, I tried to be perfect, so that I could be loved by others. I thought that I was a great mum, daughter, wife, sister, friend, but I never received any medal. Everything I did was never good enough, so I tried harder. Still not good enough. So I went ‘nuts’ and decided to leave my comfortable, secure, easy life and jump into the unknown. Some people would call it a ‘mid-life crisis’, I call it ‘waking up’.
When I told my husband I wanted to get divorced, he tried his best to destroy me. I understand why. I had an affair at the end of my marriage. This was the catalyst. I acted like a bit of a victim whilst he was dishing out the punishments and after 3 months of emotional and verbal abuse, I decided to just go back to my old life and just exist. It was the easy option.
I lasted 3 months. Then I grew a vagina and was ready to escape my old life once and for all. This is the part when I started to accept and love myself. We had been going to relationship counselling but every session I was told by my husband that everything was my fault, that I had all the issues and he had none. I knew that I wasn’t a bad person and I remembered how powerful I’d been before I was married, and then I realised that I’d been beaten down but there was still a spark in me, and nobody was going to extinguish that little glimmer of hope that I could be more than just the doormat I had become.
I stood up, told the counsellor that I wouldn’t be coming anymore, went home, and told my husband to divorce me. For Adultery. During the first separation, my husband had decided to counter-divorce me, which is hardly ever done. I stupidly wanted to be the one doing the divorcing, and to certainly not be the one being divorced, especially for committing adultery! What an idiot I was. It doesn’t matter in the grand scheme of things who does what, although it was massive for me at the time, because I was a people pleaser and wanted everybody to think I was perfect. The moment I didn’t care anymore about how I would look to anyone else, was the moment my freedom started.
I decided to love all the things about me that seemed to annoy everybody else. I decided to embrace my weirdness.
“Being weird means being yourself.” – Ralph Smart
I decided to be who I was all those years ago. The real me. Full of love and truth. My divorce took a couple of years. During this time I was arrested and in a cell for 9 hours, I had Child Services ring me up, I was called every name under the sun and I had everything taken from me, but I was alive and that was the main thing. Every day that I woke up became a great day. My choice. Nothing was going to get to me. I saw how little I actually needed to live. All the bad experiences became the best things to have happened to me.
All the dirty looks I got, all the gossip that was undoubtedly going on, all the ‘frenemies’ I lost – nothing affected me at all. I became Unfuckwithable. And there I have stayed. Because I love myself. I love myself more than I need anybody else to. That is the key. Anybody in my life has to be cheering for me. If they aren’t then I love them from a distance. New, amazing people have replaced the old. No negativity is allowed near me. I repel this behaviour now anyway. It’s like I have a shield. Anybody living a lie or being a victim naturally stays out of my way.
Whoever said that the truth sets you free was right! It so does. My life and my freedom are alien to most people. I get called crazy at least twice a day. I take it as a compliment. I am truly living. As I said, I have embraced my weirdness and my curiosity about humans, and have been told that I am a practical Psychologist.I don’t need to study, I was just born knowing. I do lots of things that others see as ‘not normal’. Two of my children are a bit embarrassed by my antics and the other one is a mini-me so totally gets it!
When you love yourself you may come across as selfish to others. Ignore them. You may get bitchy comments. Ignore them too. You may get funny looks. Ignore. The people not clapping for you are not your people. Smile and wave and never justify your life. Oh my god, I used to justify everything. Now I just smile and zip it. The dream snatchers are just jealous. They want to be doing what I’m doing but are too worried about how they look.
I am 44 years old and am now so grateful for everything. I hit rock bottom at one point and now it has been said that I became enlightened as I have no fear and never worry, and am full of joy. Like a child. I break all the rules, but not the law. I attract the most wonderful people and experiences and am seeing that anything IS actually possible. My children are such happy souls that even people who are not my fans cannot deny this. I get messages, letters and am told almost daily that the way I live has affected somebody in a positive way. This is priceless.
Some of the ‘unconvential,’ ‘crazy’ things I have done (to inspire those of you who may be close to walking a similar path) include;
learning how to pole dance
going out with a hot 26-year-old
taking my children to Arizona to stay on a stranger’s ranch
giving Free Hugs in public
picking up strangers and giving them a lift when it’s been raining/snowing
started my na:mu facebook page promoting positivity and kindness, which now has over 17000 followers.
going out to eat alone.
going to the cinema alone
doing loads of stuff ALONE!!
Who makes the rules?! Whoever it was was human. So I am making new ones, which are also breakable! Our time on this earth is fleeting so I am going to make the most of it and I don’t care what anybody else says or does about it. Nobody really can do anything to a woman who’s in love with herself.
So, to summarise, you won’t be able to pour from an empty cup so do all things that excite you, that set you on fire. It’s not selfish. This will enable you to enrich the lives of anybody who comes into contact with you, especially your children, if you have them.
Love EVERYTHING about yourself. You are you and that makes you special. Your vibe attracts your tribe so don’t feel as though you have to be loyal to people who bring you down with their words, behaviour or energy. Don’t dampen yourself down for others. The right people will find you, and will love you, when you are shining your light brightly.
I found this poem earlier this week. Love it. This will only happen if and when you start to love yourself. And the good thing is that you can start NOW;
“She stopped running after those who didn’t love her and walked the rest of the way with the ones who did” – Joseph Columbrita